A Surrender Inventory.

In a sacred space.

“Take your everyday ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going to work and walking around life and place it as an offering before God.”

So, I was here today… Making a surrender inventory. I read about in a book i was reading and here are all the categories, below.

Completing my own surrender inventory was pretty tough. I had to be pretty truthful with myself. I am learning the more transparency we allow in our lives, helps us to grow and change and be OPEN to change. The less transparency we allow, the more we are stagnant.

To “Surrender” means: one who’s will and affections are yielded to the power,control or possession of another’s influence – on demand. Whoa. (Vulnerable moment.) I really didn’t like the ‘demand’ part, but then I thought about it, and reasoned that maybe, just maybe doing something because there is a demand for it, makes it all the more valuable to surrender to. (For instance, without supply – demand doesn’t exist, right?) Hmmm…

One cannot give freely what is not REQUIRED. Selah.

I was able to utilize this AWESOME assessment of my life purpose by reading the book: “Conversations on Purpose”, By Katie Brazelton

So here were the categories and I will choose to write ‘with transparency’ on my blog:

* Social /Relational *Mental
*Physical *Emotional
* Family and Faith

Spiritual Growth
*Personality & Character Faults
*Vocation/Avocation * Entrepreneurial
* Life Purpose/Calling
*Self Image / Maturity.

So here are mine:
I. Social /Relational: Surrendering to a challenge to be with respectable & acceptable partners. (Vulnerability, Lack of Authenticity, Passive Aggressiveness)

I have spoken about vulnerability on several occasions and I can say this: the fact of surrender gets magnified ten times and looks all the more scary, when we are afraid of being vulnerable, yet the rewards are AWESOME. Your life is enriched, its more full and alive, and you experience much more sincerity and can offer it as well.

Brené Brown says :

II. My Mental Life : (Abilities , Control/Manipulation, Failures, Hope, Dreams, Longings & Struggles.) Surrendering to a mature perspective takes a WILLINGNESS from deep within. I cannot surrender to anything outside of my own perspective unless I am at first willing. And that takes maturity in my perspective. Where do you gain mature respective ? I read , talk to my sisters, & choose to be vulnerable with the mentors in my life.

III. Physical : (My Body, My Energy Level Safety, Pain, Image-bearing, Perfection, Busyness).
MY energy level has been a MAJOR challenge for me, especially when I leave from work, and have an entire evening to continue with. If I am exhausted, sometimes I have to just stop and allow myself to be.

IV. Family (, Mothering, Intimacy, Spouse, Stepfamily, Miscarriage, Empty Nest.) Surrendering to my family & spouse looks like: Yielding. I have found that yielding to anyone, helps them know you are not their enemy, so why waste the energy, anyway? Yielding takes practice & discipline but it makes you the better person, always.

V. Emotional: ( Release All feelings Regret, Self hate, Shame, Fear, in order to live Authentically. .)
Surrendering to fear really shows where your strength is. I have had to do this several times, but what was really on the other side was: COURAGE.

VI. Spiritual Growth and Faith : (Via your Spiritual Journal, Forgiveness, Spiritual Disciplines & Spirit-Perspective /Practice – Spiritual Disciplines are VERY HARD to do. Yet so rewarding and bring so much RESOLVE when we relent. Spending a good amount of time with your spiritual discipline here- allows your soul to shine.

VII. Service – Involve Yourself !

Give. In whatever way makes sense. You extending a part of yourself allows you to become a better person. Michelle Obama sacrifices her profession to follow her husband’s dream. What she did not sacrifice was her family. She gave up her dream to become the Nation’s most honored woman.

VIII. Your Personality & Character Strengths : Bitterness, Resentments & Your Peace : (had to get that one in!)
Bitterness – (used to have it, used to have it!) And boy did it eat me up! I was so bitter, I spewed out venom! Naw, I really was mean though, at one point in my life. But it stole my peace so much, I decided it took MUCH MORE ENERGY to hold onto it, than it did to LET IT GO.

IX. Vocation/Avocation: ( Have you surrendered this part of your life to Being in Purpose?)

What does purpose look like in this season for you

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Looking Into The Windows of my Soul…

Sometimes I look deeper..

Deeper within.

‘Cause I hope you know that Vulnerability is an eye to the window of your soul.

I remember a time when I knew I had skills; yet I didn’t use them.

I took no risks.

It wasn’t until I began to “call myself a photographer, that I truly became one.”

It wasn’t until I began to “call myself a writer that I became an author.”

And it wasn’t until I began to find my voice and project vision, that I ‘knocked the socks off’ my listeners with my speaking.

I am somebody.

How do I know? I sow seed and it produces some thirty, sixty, one hundred-fold.

I am Enough.

I Trust enough.

I Lead enough.

I Pledge to BE excellent enough…

I Thrive enough.

I excel enough.

I am God perfect plan to bless the earth with His Goodness , His Mercy, His Light.

The sky is the limit,

The earth is my classroom,

And God people are my prospects.

Let’s Go!

On Being Authentically Happy.

I’m learning authentic happiness is often  unearthed in the places we least expect.

So… after a very challenging  week last week, and more contemplation on just what it takes to remain in a positive state of mind and be: #NthabiHappy , I have found that it takes effort and a soul- searching and it helps to also be aware of your state of being and having tools & resources, mentors , even to help you manage to shift it; even noticing at times when it’s okay to NOT shift it, and to “just be.”

One of my girlfriends asked me today in the midst of my coping with my grief – “how I was managing?“. To be honest, I literally didn’t have words. I told her that I was just trying to be “present” with my grief because at the moment that’s all I knew how to do.   I learned that here.

I know, you didn’t expect a “Happiness” article to be about grief, did you? (It’s Ok. ) – it’s just authentic talk. Contentment comes with acceptance . I’m learning that the more content you are in your soul, the better you exude happiness. We have to deal with the unrest in our souls in order to be truly authentic human beings.
Sometimes being present to life and living it , it’s what necessary to thrive. The effort we put forward in being one who lives with purpose and living in faith, are what sustains is.

And movements of faith looks like : Finding others who share our faith, encourage us, those who treat us with love and kindness, taking care of our soul: our mind , will and emotions… and living in peace with ourself and others. It looks like praying, and sitting and being honest with yourself, telling yourself what you need, then pursuing that. This year, I knew I needed a group of women praying with me. So I created a group called SHINE–Sisters Helping Intercede Nurture and Excel. Shine is doing so much more than I ever imagined! (And it’s only six months old.) Yet I am excelling and I’m being nurtured by women who are awesome leaders.

As I look back and think about my answer, I realized that was great for an answer, because if we live in the present, we are not numbing out . We are living life and not allowing it to happen to us, but we are being conscious to what we need to be in this life.

Sometimes when you aren’t sure “how to be”; you have to just focusing on BEING. And then feel what you must, in that moment, even if it’s the most saddest, painful and unspoken fear you’ve ever had. Then call a friend, get some professional help if it surfaces too often or is too heavy for you; or perhaps get a mentor to guide you through it or help with combined perspective; and don’t walk it ALONE.

This “processing” of myself and my pain, I literally decide to ’embrace’ and ‘move through it’, in order to become a better me. And that’s quite alright.

As I therapist, I’ve learned that moving through your pain with someone who understands and makes you feel totally and absolutely validated in that pain, can actually help you to move past the most painful part of it.

But it still takes some time. Make some attempts at being as authentic as you can possibly be.
What does that mean? It means to not deny what is inevitable. Practice acceptance and just move through your emotions feeling every part of who you are.  But after a while letting go. Remembering that this has made you a better person, accepting that it’s meaningful, and embracing the lessons learned.

Being #NthabiHappy ( that’s my video blog series) Today, NthabiHappy means just allowing myself to be authentically me. Feeling the good, feeling the not so good, yet determining to still be happy, despite myself and my emotions. When we learn to embrace emotions instead of run from them, we’ll find that life can be a rewarding presence and those emotions can transform into Pure Joy.

Selah.

Self-Determination

I’m self determined. Yeah, that didn’t come easy though. It took a few great leaps of faith. It was the spring of 2005, and I was in  rat race for time. I was determined to move onward my life, and relocate to Maryland. I was almost done with my divorce and I needed to breathe. And my breathing became very very labored, as I was  preparing to leave Syracuse, N.Y.

Self determination began for me, with a HUGE commitment to myself that I would never again get in a relationship that was going nowhere. No promises, no commitments, no effort. And that was  the first self -commitment . I held onto that, until later that October of 2005, until later that year, God messed up my plans .

The second determined fact was  – that I needed a new  start. A new job and a better and more intriguing place to live . I had friends in Maryland. And surely with the money I’d saved, I could truly begin anew.

I remember it clearly.

I wrote down my dreams . Where I wanted to go… and  I ” built a spiritual  altar…” – so to speak… I placed it right above my head  so that  it was the first thing I saw when I awakened,  in my lofty bedroom,  in  Utica, NY.

I lived in with  two  college roommates in  Hamilton, N.Y. And here I was .. long out of college, but seeking a new  way of life.  I would awaken and the first thing I would do, was  pray.   I began to thank (God) and I worshiped Him for where I was going. I began to affirm highly with thanksgivings into God where I was going to go. I’d  read my card,  give thanks, and proclaim it as a prosperous place.

With the  cultural  holiday of Kwaanza , they call self -determination: “Kuji-cha-gulia”. After what was entirely messy year – I  was almost at the end of  2005, and had ended up taking on three part time jobs  ( at the same time)  to  survive, and was about to  lose my apartment. ‘

I was  in  a very agitated and  anxious state.  I had just met my husband to be, but I didn’t  even know it.  He would call me daily and pray with me.  At that  time, he had resorted to just be my friend, and pray with me, since I was a having a hard time. I had  told myself  that  I would   have to move back to N.Y. if I didn’t  find a cheaper  apt.  And then…. it just happened.

  Every thing I spoke into existence   eight months earlier, just started happening. One after the other.  The job, the home, the  increase in pay… etc. My  husband to be became  the love of my life that October,  and six months later I relocated to Texas with an even better paying job. But  here is all the misfortune that occurred before  that  happened: my money bottomed out , I quit the $7 dollar an hour job ; lost  a few   of my friends; and failed  the test I thought would help me find a better paying job. I was all alone, at one point,  but I was okay with that. I had been alone with God before.

But I learned something about myself and …God. That you have to believe in your dreams.  Not matter what bottoms out, you still have to keep dreaming. And just when it appears those dreams won’t manifest , God will come through.

The Life Lesson:

God comes through because He’s so pleased you believed in Him and in your  belief in His ability to pull  you through.

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