Self-Determination

I’m self determined. Yeah, that didn’t come easy though. It took a few great leaps of faith. It was the spring of 2005, and I was in  rat race for time. I was determined to move onward my life, and relocate to Maryland. I was almost done with my divorce and I needed to breathe. And my breathing became very very labored, as I was  preparing to leave Syracuse, N.Y.

Self determination began for me, with a HUGE commitment to myself that I would never again get in a relationship that was going nowhere. No promises, no commitments, no effort. And that was  the first self -commitment . I held onto that, until later that October of 2005, until later that year, God messed up my plans .

The second determined fact was  – that I needed a new  start. A new job and a better and more intriguing place to live . I had friends in Maryland. And surely with the money I’d saved, I could truly begin anew.

I remember it clearly.

I wrote down my dreams . Where I wanted to go… and  I ” built a spiritual  altar…” – so to speak… I placed it right above my head  so that  it was the first thing I saw when I awakened,  in my lofty bedroom,  in  Utica, NY.

I lived in with  two  college roommates in  Hamilton, N.Y. And here I was .. long out of college, but seeking a new  way of life.  I would awaken and the first thing I would do, was  pray.   I began to thank (God) and I worshiped Him for where I was going. I began to affirm highly with thanksgivings into God where I was going to go. I’d  read my card,  give thanks, and proclaim it as a prosperous place.

With the  cultural  holiday of Kwaanza , they call self -determination: “Kuji-cha-gulia”. After what was entirely messy year – I  was almost at the end of  2005, and had ended up taking on three part time jobs  ( at the same time)  to  survive, and was about to  lose my apartment. ‘

I was  in  a very agitated and  anxious state.  I had just met my husband to be, but I didn’t  even know it.  He would call me daily and pray with me.  At that  time, he had resorted to just be my friend, and pray with me, since I was a having a hard time. I had  told myself  that  I would   have to move back to N.Y. if I didn’t  find a cheaper  apt.  And then…. it just happened.

  Every thing I spoke into existence   eight months earlier, just started happening. One after the other.  The job, the home, the  increase in pay… etc. My  husband to be became  the love of my life that October,  and six months later I relocated to Texas with an even better paying job. But  here is all the misfortune that occurred before  that  happened: my money bottomed out , I quit the $7 dollar an hour job ; lost  a few   of my friends; and failed  the test I thought would help me find a better paying job. I was all alone, at one point,  but I was okay with that. I had been alone with God before.

But I learned something about myself and …God. That you have to believe in your dreams.  Not matter what bottoms out, you still have to keep dreaming. And just when it appears those dreams won’t manifest , God will come through.

The Life Lesson:

God comes through because He’s so pleased you believed in Him and in your  belief in His ability to pull  you through.

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